A Brief History of Rock Critics
June 4th 2008 01:29
In the beginning, Og banged two rocks together in a repetitive way, while shaking his loincloth to the rhythm. In this way, Og invented music.
Og’s neighbour, Noog, made sure to tell everyone that he was Og’s neighbour and that ‘banging two rocks together’ would save music. In this way, Noog became the first Rock Critic.
The tribes-folk enjoyed the new rock rhythm, and also shook their loincloths in a frenzy of rebellious dance. Og received a lot of breeding invitations and meat offerings for his new invention.
His cousin, Oogga, figured that perhaps he too could be invited to breed by banging two rocks together. It worked! Soon everyone was banging two rocks together in a kind of pre-historic Macarena-level cultural orgy.
Soon after, Noog the Critic sensationally proclaimed that ‘banging two rocks together’ had been taken as far as it could go, and that “Rock banging is dead”.
Meanwhile, Og was no longer receiving the same level of breeding invites for his invention (except, of course, on Fridays when Noog issued his weekly ‘Legends of Rock Special Limited Collectors’ Edition Almanac’).
Og and Oogga’s other cousin, Frud, was unable to find any rocks to bang, on account of all the rocks being used in the new craze. He came up with the brilliant idea to bang two sticks together instead. Soon he was being invited to join all manner of rock-bangers in groups of what would later become known as ‘wannabes’.
Noog excitedly pronounced: “Frud has arrived to save rock music!”
A frenzy of innovation ensued, with people banging sticks on rocks, rocks on dirt, bigger sticks on smaller rocks etc. Finally, it seemed like all avenues of innovation had been exhausted, and Noog the Critic sensationally proclaimed that “rock-banging is dead”.
When pushed to either elaborate on this proclamation or offer up an alternative to rock-banging, Noog the Critic simply reiterated his position and drew a ‘historical timeline of innovation’ to demonstrate that nothing new would ever be invented again.
The End
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